Confident. Confident. Dry and secure. Raise your hand, raise your hand…if you’re sure. Anyone? … Anyone?? That’s what I thought. I’m not feeling it either.
People ask me all the time if I’m sure I want to move to Belize? NO! The answer is NO! I don’t know at all if I WANT to move to Belize. But this has never been about what I WANT. It’s about what He WANTS. To be perfectly honest, there are weeks when that makes me as sure as the sun…and there are times (like now) when I am anything but sure, the exact opposite of sure, as unsure as it gets.
Where do all these doubts come from, really? I’ve watched over the last several months as God has convincingly shown us His plan for us, and confirmed in great detail that this is the way He wants us to go. But I find myself coming back to all the reasons why I wanted to say no, and wrestling with them all over again.
Is it really His desire, or my desire?
Am I running away from something, or is He calling me to something?
I don’t pretend I know all the answers to these questions. I just allow myself to doubt, trying not to dwell there. I know, in time, God will show me His way…He always does in times like these. I’ll just keep holding on until then.
Sometimes, though, I think it would be harder to stay than to go. It’s just too comfortable here. I think about the life God has called all of us to live, the holiness He wants us to pursue, and that is not easy in this lukewarm American “Christian” culture. I struggle to set standards for my family, knowing full well that even my church “friends” judge me when I do, as either too strict or too lenient. So I give in to the lazy temptation to let things in that I shouldn’t and to ignore things that should be dealt with. I guess I’ve convinced myself that as a missionary, everyone will already think I’m weird so I don’t have to consider their thoughts about our convictions. Maybe I’m wrong…
I know missionary life will not be easy. I am excited about the adventure of it. I am also terrified of that new identity, leaving behind my identity as a youth pastor’s wife. I’ve been a youth pastor’s wife for so many years, and I LOVE that role. Saying goodbye to American youth ministry is harder than I ever considered. And I don’t know what missionary life is going to look like. While we will still be doing student ministry, it will look entirely different. Yet, somehow, I know parts of it will be the same…loving kids and their families. That never changes.
Confident? Well, I’m still not there… but I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)
And I will rest securely knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me, especially when I’m not so sure.