Last night, I had a dream that I was in Belize. I walked into one of my classes and there were my girls, all smiles to see me. I gave one of them a hug and she asked me, “How long will you be here this time Miss Chrissy?” and I started weeping with joy as I answered her, “I don’t have to leave this time. I’m here for good now.” And she began to cry, too.
Leaving everything behind to pursue what the Lord was calling us to was no easy decision. But when you love Jesus and His people, you’ll do anything He asks you to do. My heart so longs to be in Belize, to be doing what God wants us to do, to be living the life that we gave it all up for. We’re just not there yet.
Sometimes, I find myself really missing home and wanting things to be like they were three years ago…comfortable in my home, fulfilling ministry with students and meaningful relationships with families, watching our children grow and enjoy life, overall completely satisfied with my life. And other times, I'm longing for the future when we will be in Belize and I wish these next 8 months would just be over.
I can’t seem to find contentment with where I am right now. Don’t get me wrong…there are things about Costa Rica that I really like, and there are things I’m not a fan of. But this is not the place that my heart loves, or the people that the Lord has called me to, so I find it really difficult to feel connected here. It’s a constant lesson in contentment, about being satisfied with where the Lord has me, and not always longing for the past or the future, but being in the present. I’m not very good at it right now.
I know that this step in language school is all part of the process, and it’s the Lord’s timing for us to be right here, right now. And this is how He best wants to prepare us for long term ministry in Belize. I am just not feeling any purpose here. When we would share the vision of our work in Belize with others during our fundraising efforts, we would talk about living in community and raising up leaders for student ministry, assisting with short term teams and watching the Lord use those moments to change other people’s lives like He did for us, loving kids and families in a neighborhood that desperately needs the hope and love of Christ. When I said goodbye to my life in the states, I was ready for that life. Instead, though, I have to wait…and study…and wait…and study…all the while grieving what I left behind and not being able to do what I feel called to do.
I know that the Lord is using this time to mold me into the person He can use in Belize. And I’m trying to be thankful for this time. There are days when that is just very difficult. Maybe you can relate, and maybe you can join me in prayer to find contentment in Him no matter what our circumstances.